An incorrigibly humorous friend
asked me recently & publicly
to speak about enlightenment.


I do know a few enlightened people
& they said I could write about
how they live as long as I
keep their identities private.

Enlightened people don’t drive automobiles.
But if they did it would be hybrids.

Enlightened people are totally vegan.

Enlightened people never say nasty words.
Enlightened people are always super nice.

Enlightened people stay away from FaceBook.

They can do that.

Enlightened people
don’t take photographs on their cellphones
& they don’t save for their retirement
because they live in the moment.

Enlightened people don’t fantasize.

Enlightened people don’t have children
because it is impossible.

Enlightened people don’t watch television.
But if they happen to be around when
you are trying to do it they are really annoying
because they keep asking what is happening.

If you want to figure how many lives
it will take for you to become enlightened
just count the number of cigarettes
you have smoked in this life,
and add the number of times
you have been mean.

You can subtract the number of days
you have spent clean & sober.

(The darker chocolate counts against you.)

Enlightened people don’t pay taxes
because they have this deal –
The government pays them.

Enlightened people don’t ever get cancer.

Enlightened people don’t get their hearts broken.

Enlightened people have blank minds
like those little comic bubbles
coming out of their heads,
but with nothing in them.

Enlightened people are actually rather boring.
(That one is going to cost me a few lifetimes.)

I am only kidding.

The enlightened people
told me to say that they
are hoping we will get over
our obsession with enlightenment
& just try to make wiser choices
(wiser means more helpful)
& also try to take kinder actions
(kinder means less hurtful).

Starting with ourselves.


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